The white cat at Christmas

With Christmas getting closer and closer it completely turns up my anxiety, usually I find it that bit more manageable but the last few days it gets that bit louder. I think it’s the high expectations that comes with it, my counsellor doesn’t like Christmas at all, she told me she hates ‘organised fun’ which I guess it kind of is, everyone has this perception that it is going to be this amazing day and everyone HAS to be extremely happy and jolly. I really wish I could trade this black dog for a white cat this Christmas so I could have a few days off from feeling this way but unfortunately that is not an option for me or for others who may be struggling. 

Personally, my fear is that if I don’t meet these high expectations then I am going to ruin all my families Christmas, I like everyone to be happy and my anxiety is that I will spoil everyone’s Christmas by not being as jolly as expected. I know how stupid that sounds to someone who hasn’t experienced mental health, but I am guessing if you have you probably have a very similar worry around this time of year, people will try and reassure me ‘don’t worry, just be yourself’ or ‘don’t be silly, which is always nice to hear but it never fully switches it off. Because anxiety is an invisible illness, not every person is going to empathise with you which can make it that little bit more difficult but remember you need to take care of yourself and even more so over the festive period.

It’s not that I don’t want to be happy and jolly, who doesn’t want to have a lovely Christmas with their family? It almost feels like I can’t control it and the more I think about the more I am feeding my anxiety, I try to remember that sometimes the fear is always worse than the reality. I can sit here and say that you need to do is stop overthinking it, you need to think positive or you need to stop worrying because it won’t help, but I won’t say all those things because I know you have probably heard them a million times but still in the same position. I think it’s mainly about communicating with family/friends, these people love and care about you so will want you to be comfortable and stress-free so the more open you can be will help them help you. Being open is a challenge in its self because you don’t want to be judged or treated differently but they will be there to listen to you, listening is one of the simplest yet greatest gifts you can give to others.   

An AMAZING close friend gave me a white cat necklace earlier for Christmas and told me it is to help fight the black dog, it means a lot to receive such a thoughtful gift and it’s an amazing reminder to me every day when I wear it that someone has my back. So for anyone reading this who may have those pre-festive nerves I really hope that you find your white cat this Christmas, spend time with people who bring you up not down, remember it’s ok to be how you feel and don’t let others pressure you into attending events you don’t feel up to! Take care of yourself and remember New Year is just around the corner so you can focus on a brighter future and a fresh start!

Christmas is fast approaching and it is a stressful time of year at the best of times but add mental health to the mix and it can become a nightmare.

The pressure to have the ‘perfect’ Christmas is all around us, to have the best turkey, the best tree, the best gifts, the most lavish lights attached to the front of your house and how do you meet all these standards? Simple answer is you don’t, remember that the real meaning of Christmas is about being present instead of giving presents, it’s about spending time with loved ones and spending the festive time however you wish to spend it.

I think it is important to look after yourself over the Christmas period, it’s meant to be a time for celebration and with that can come unwanted anxiety and stress so here are some useful self-care tips to help you have a joyful Christmas!

It’s ok to say no – If you are getting worked up about going to a party or social event rememeber that it is ok to say no, they will understand and it is not worth damaging your mental health over.

Take time out – Be sure to take out some time for you, even if it’s just a 20/30 minute break to refresh and relax, socialising can be exhausting so don’t over do it and burn yourself out.

Money, money, money –  It can be an expensive time of year with gifts, meals out and getting in the party food, remember that it’s not about spending lots of money that you don’t have so don’t get yourself into debt or spend beyond your limits, that will lead to more anxiety!

Communicate – If you are feeling down or anxious don’t keep all those feelings to yourself, be open with family and friends, they will be happy to listen and support you, they can’t effectively help you if you don’t tell them you are struggling.

Stuffed– Depression can lead to less of an appetite so you may not feel up to eating a three course meal or excessive amounts of party food or if you are feeling anxious you may not feel comfortable eating infront of others, don’t force yourself to eat and don’t let people pressure you into eating, you could always eat before and let people know you have eaten!

What routine? A routine is safe, we know where we are going, what time we need to be there and who is going to be there so throwing away the routine can be SCARY! Try and remember it is only a couple of days without routine and ask questions to reassure yourself, know times/places and who’s attending so you can plan your day without any surprises.

The Booze – Christmas is associated with drinking alochol, you have Bucks Fizz in the morning and it can continue throughout the day, if you don’t feel comfortable drinking then don’t let people pressure you into it, alocohol can intefer with medication and it can lower your mood so don’t let it spoil your Christmas.

Lonely this Christmas – Christmas can be a lonely time for people who don’t have family/friends to spend time with, when others are happy and around company it can be hard to be alone, remember there are places to volunteer within your community or if you don’t feel like seeing people it’s ok to snuggle in bed if that’s what you want too.

Not so happy pills – If we are on medication it can have side effects such as nausea, anxiety or drowsiness, for me I get the shakes first thing in the morning which can be frustrating but it does wear off throughout the day. Your health comes before anything, it’s a tough time of year so keep up with daily medication and check with a professional before consuming alochol incase it has an effect on your medication functioning properly!  

Is everyone happy?! There is no such thing as a perfect Christmas, everyone’s opinion on a ‘perfect’ Christmas will be completely different so try not to get worked up about pleasing everyone, it’s an impossible task. Don’t burn yourself out, sometimes you have to put yourself and your mental health first, it’s not selfish, think of it as you can’t help people unless you first help yourself, so take the time to look after yourself.  

 

This is what mental health can feel like some days, even if the sun is shining and you are in a beautiful place you still feel like you are falling.

I first took the photo for humour, but the more I looked at it the more I felt it summed up how it feels some days, it can feel as easy as taking one wrong step and you go tumbling down. When you can’t find the words to describe how you are feeling a photo can be a powerful representation. Some people walk far from the cliff edge, yet others are walking close to the edge, sometimes a person can pull you back to safety and other days you stand with your feet close to the edge. It can feel overwhelming, frustrating, isolating, scary, and sad, sometimes all at once. When your head is loud and busy, your body is weak and tired, you want to be alone yet you don’t want to be left alone it can feel all too much. The more the negativity grabs a hold of you the faster you fall, people can say things like ‘positive mind, positive life’ or ‘think positive and good things will happen’ which at the time is the last thing you want to hear but I do think that mind over matter can play a part in recovery.

Someone said to me this week if you can’t be your own cheerleader then who will? It got me thinking, do people rely on others to cheer them on and keep them going instead of cheering yourself on alongside others?! A massive part of depression is feeling alone and shutting yourself away from people but once you open up and let other people pull you away from the cliff edge it can all start to become a bit more manageable. There are subjects that are going to be difficult and you might not feel comfortable talking about with family/friends and not everyone is going to understand or empathise with you but you just need to remember nobody’s perfect and there is no such thing as ‘normal’. Keeping all the negative s**t to yourself only makes the black dog have more power over you, I got asked this week how do I see my black dog?! Do I see him following me around or do I see him as over shadowing me, how big/small and I guess I never really physically imagined it until now.

If you do fall down, you need someone to be there to catch you and that can be a hard thing for someone to do, I can’t imagine what it feels like to watch someone you love and care about fall so hard. People around you are almost on this journey with you, people have told me that they feel helpless and don’t know what to do/say to help and that must be really hard for them too. Just simply being there is enough and cheering us on when we don’t have the energy too, celebrating the small achievements can help tackle the bigger challenges in life. So stick with your fans who will cheer you on through the good days and bad days and remember to cheer YOURSELF on!!

New Year…New You

I have never been one to set New Year’s resolutions, I think why wait until the New Year… why not make a change now?! But I do get why people do, it’s a fresh start and a clean slate so start the year positive with a goal in mind to achieve, so this year I am thinking of a few things I would love to achieve.

I have been thinking lately about what next year will bring, the last couple of years have been mentally challenging for me, I thought at the start of this year I would start driving again, get my head sorted, start training to be a counsellor and see more of the world, I only accomplished 1 of those things which was holidays. So what this year has shown me is strength, I have discovered how strong I am and how much more I have to give in life, it’s shown me the importance of the people around me and how much I really do love them!

I’ve been to Amsterdam, New York, Sorrento, I’ve seen one of my best friends get married, had fun days out with my nieces/nephews, I ran 10km and raised money for charity, I’ve enjoyed summer walks with my husband, been to football games, been to a couple of concerts and got 3 meaningful tattoos added to my collection, so all in all there has been ups and there has been some real downs. I’ve discovered what career path I want to go down, I’ve found my voice, I’ve grown closer to people and I’ve grown apart from people.

So even though there has been so much darkness in this year, I refuse to let that dampen the whole year as a ‘write off’, there is no point focusing on the negatives because where does that get me in life?! So if you have taken a hit this year or struggled through a rough patch just remind yourself you are still standing, you have come out a stronger person and 2019 is right around the corner, it’s a chance for a fresh start and for you to follow your fire. Don’t let your past define your future, don’t let it hold you back, surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you and see your potential. If you have a dream, go and chase it, make plans that you have always wanted to make, make memories that you will cherish and eat the cake if you want too!

So my New Year goals are to complete a 10km run and raise money for the Samaritans, go on a couple of holidays and start my college counselling course! So what’s your plans for 2019?! Make them BIG and make them BOLD!!

Bag of S**T

I had a counselling appointment today at 12:30pm, got to 12pm and that’s when the nerves really start kicking in, I have nothing to talk about, it’s going to be awkward, I’m not in the mood to talk, I CAN’T do it…

Anyway I went and we ended up sitting on the floor writing on stones…sounds weird I know but believe me it was POWERFUL. So basically the idea was for me write all the negative thoughts and negative things I think are attached to me on stones and put them in a little bag (we named the bag of shit) and then carry that bag around with me. When someone puts me on the spot or I have to show vulnerability my mind goes blank so it took me a little while to start thinking but she managed to pry some thoughts out of me. 

We sat looking at all these stones in front of us and you never really stop and look at all the negative stuff we carry around with us, she wants me to carry this bag of shit around with me everywhere I go to show me the weight of all these negative feelings and how much they impact my life. It was empowering, holding all these feelings physically and feeling the weight of this little bag really opened my eyes to how much negative shit I do carry around with me, it’s things I feel because they have been put on me or I have been made to feel that way. The idea is way to work on these feelings and to eventually give them back to ST and dispose of them as time goes on, I can add to the stones or change them anytime I like but eventually I want my little bag to be empty or to be a bag of HAPPY thoughts!!

I would definitely recommend doing this, to have all the negativity out in front of you and then to physically feel the weight of them really does make you stop and think. All you need is a little bag, a few stones and a pen to write on them with and you are away, obviously I had the help of ST with some top banter along the way (her writing is the neat one!!) so grab a friend if you need some help! Something that sounds so simple has had a massive effect on me, I really wasn’t sure whether to stick with counselling after previous experiences but I am really glad I met ST!!

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas…

Christmas is meant to be a joyful time of the year, a time for celebration, spending time with loved ones and eating/drinking way too much! Don’t get me wrong I do enjoy Christmas, but it can be a bit overwhelming being on the go all the time and the pressure to be constantly happy can be a struggle with the black dog!

With Christmas fast approaching it can lead to unwanted stress and anxiety, it’s a busy time of the year with parties, meals out and trying to fit in seeing every family member in the space of a few days can be challenging. You can’t really switch the Christmas feeling off it’s on the TV, radio, social media and every shop is stacked with gifts. So be sure to take care of yourself and don’t burn yourself out over the next few weeks trying to please everyone, it’s YOUR Christmas too so spend and enjoy it how you want too.

It’s an expensive time of the year with so many family members and friends to buy for, have you bought enough gifts? What if they don’t like what you bought them? What if I get the wrong size? All these questions going round your head whilst trying to find the perfect gift. What you have to remember is that it shouldn’t be all about spending the most money, it’s the thought behind the gift that counts so don’t get yourself into debt or spend beyond your means to show someone how much you love them because they probably already know! Being present is the best present!

Christmas is all about spending time with the people you love and I am sure some of you will have to spend time with the dreaded in-laws (luckily I love all my in-laws so this doesn’t apply to me) but if you do have to spend time with them and you are feeling anxious about it speak to your other half and explain your worries, they may be able to help or find a way for you to feel more comfortable about the situation. Being open and honest about your worries can be like a weight lifted to all the added pressure that comes with this time of year.

When you aren’t feeling 100% or not feeling as ‘jolly’ as everyone else it can be a really hard time of the year, you feel you should be happy and excited, most people get a few days off work but they can be more stressful than working. It might be your first Christmas without a family member, or your first Christmas after a break up, it might not be your turn to have the children, you might be struggling with an illness, whatever it is be sure to prioritise some self-care within this busy time and take time out to look after YOU! Spend time with people that bring out the best in you, understand you and will keep feeling positive, remember its ok not to be ok! So take it easy, don’t be hard on yourself, you are doing the best you can and that is ENOUGH!!

I feel I took a knock today, a push back when I am trying my hardest to move forward and I did let it get me down. When you feel like you are trapped in this dark hole and all you want to do is climb out as fast as you can, for me and for everyone around me. I feel like I am really trying my hardest to be positive, not let the small things set me back and keep moving to a better place, it’s not easy all the time but I do it for the people around me.

I had my heart set on going to study counselling in January, I saw it as a goal, something to keep my head distracted and work towards but I spoke with my GP and she thinks I should wait until September. I know I need to fix myself first and that takes time so I have to be patient and slow down a bit, everything in today’s world is so fast pace so I do feel I have to try and keep up. I felt it was a setback to my bigger picture, I had the idea in my head and it was the most positive I have felt in a long time so I wanted to cling onto that happiness and not lose it.  But I have to think of it more as in September I will be stronger, in a better place and ready crack on and study!

I guess it feels like this black dog is out of my control sometimes, I want to be better now, I want to be happy now, I want to be able to run now and I want to train to be a counsellor now but all of these things need time so it does get disheartening. I know I have come a long way the last few months so I should be pleased and feel that is enough for now, but what I have achieved the last couple of months is other people’s normalities…like getting out of bed earlier, eating breakfast, going out the house, getting out of bed…so they don’t feel massive!

Planning in advance can be good as you know where you want to go and can work out a plan on how to get there but it can also be overwhelming when you already feel the world is against you. I spoke to my friend (who is old and wise!!) and she said about trying to cut down how much I am planning forward, try to think about the next 3 months instead of stressing about 6+ months. I think when you are on the road to recovery it is so important to take small steps, celebrate the small achievements and just keep talking to the people that care about you, I have never been a massively open person but knowing there are people I can turn to for a chat or a hug is the best.  

So I need to think more like a sloth, I need slow down and appreciate that there are some things in life that can’t be rushed and unfortunately this is one of those things. I once got told that the best things in life are worth waiting for so I am going to be more sloth, they get to sleep loads and are proper chilled out so what’s not to love! So don’t rush your way through life, slow down and appreciate the little things in life and take it one day at a time!!

Mind over Matter

I have heard this saying a few times, but the last couple of month’s people have been saying it quite a lot to me and I finally realise how powerful your mind can be and we set the limits for our success.

Last year I picked up a running injury, not 100% sure how I did it but I was running up a very steep hill in Brighton in a race and it’s been injured ever since. I have seen physios, sports therapist and the last couple of months have moved onto a chiropractor, I had no idea what a chiropractor did until I turned up. They click you into place, they twist you in weird shapes and generally poke/prod you.

My chiropractor is annoyingly positive, she is full of energy and always happy, don’t get me wrong I really like her and we have great banter, she knows the last few months I have been down in the dumps…so annoys me all the more! She has been trying to get me up and running again and has given me homework to do like knee/thigh stretches and the one that to me at the time sounded stupid was to walk every day and imagine that I am running, imagine that amazing feeling you get as you are running and after, I walk to work every day so this was something I could do every morning. She told me how about how powerful your mind can be, if I keep imagining myself running then it will help the healing process, so I have done this the last couple of months and sure enough I am back into jogging and working my way back to running!

I would say that my knee injury and not being able to run did really tip me over the edge a few months ago, it’s the headspace I loved the most, just putting my headphones in, forgetting about everything and just being in the moment was the best feeling. Exercise is such a powerful medicine, being outside in the fresh air, getting your body moving and the feeling of achievement after releases so many endorphins. I completed a couple of 5km runs and one 10km (which was the best moment ever) and was loving collecting all the medals and achieving better times each time.

I felt so disheartened that I was trying my hardest to get back running, I was getting sports massages, doing acupuncture and getting x-rayed but nothing seemed to be working so it did really get me down. I eventually just threw the towel in and it all went downhill from there, I felt defeated by my mind and body and that’s when the black dog really sunk its teeth into me. I told myself that I couldn’t run so I stopped trying, if you tell yourself or someone tells you that you can’t do something you start to believe it, so next time you are beating yourself up think ‘I might not be able to do this NOW, but I will keep trying!’

But now I am in a more positive frame of mind and have had my body clicked around I am back into the light jogs and keep telling myself ‘I can do this’ instead of feeling down and it has seemed to have an amazing impact. If you keep telling yourself over and over you can’t do something, you aren’t good enough and you are rubbish/stupid you are going to start believing it. You can be filling your head with negative thoughts subconsciously, try and take notice of what you are saying to yourself and if you find yourself being negative, challenge and fight it. You should never underestimate how powerful your mind can be, so fill it with positivity and see what results you get! It’s working for me so it can work for you too!!

I saw this quote yesterday morning which made me really stop and think, it said ‘Sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives put us directly on the path to the best things that will ever happen to us’ 

It made me think did I have to hit an all-time low to realise what I want to do and achieve in life, did I have to struggle so I can go on to support others through their bad times…I never knew what I really wanted to do when I was younger, I was always interested in media and English so did think about journalism but I was never really 100% certain. Others from a young age just know what they want to do and work hard to achieve it

Some people say that ‘everything happens for a reason’ and I am not a massive fan of that saying, I just feel begrudged like why do people have car accidents and suffer from depression?! What could possibly be the reason for that?! I have wasted much valuable time rattling my brain for answers and now I think that training to be a counsellor could be the path to the BEST time of my life. If all of these bad times hadn’t of happened I wouldn’t have attended counselling and realised this is what I want to do in life.

The turnaround of my life has been a whirlwind the last few months, it’s been hard to keep up with everything that has happened, it makes you realise how grateful I am to have the most amazing family and friends and appreciate them so much, I have lost people along the way but gained another. 3 months ago I couldn’t see a future and now I have just applied to go back to college to studying counselling, it’s exciting and terrifying all at once! But if I can support others the way I have been supported that will be good enough for me. I know it’s going to be a tough journey but I know difficult roads lead to beautiful destinations. I have delayed doing this course because I lack the self-belief but the only person I am punishing is myself and what’s the point in that?!  

So I wouldn’t say that I am thankful for the worst times of my life but it has made me realise what I want to achieve in life and no amount of time spent thinking about the past is going to change anything. I have spent enough time looking over my shoulder and it’s now time to turn and face what is in front of me and put my experiences to good use and help others see that life is worth living and how precious it can be. So good and bad stay strong and think how much you have to look forward to!

I Get Knocked Down…But I get up again…someone recently said to me ‘Why do we have to go through a shitty event to bring out the best in us’.

I started writing and sharing blogs online about mental health as a way of coping and processing my feelings, turns out people really like them and think I have a skill for writing which is how the comment came up. It made me think would I have realised my writing potential unless I have suffered through depression? Probably not so maybe something good has come from the struggles, I found my voice and my inner strength to speak out, so surely you can too?

When you are clawing your way back to ‘normality’ and starting to win more battles with the black dog you almost feel empowered and realise your true potential, you have lived through some of the toughest times and survived. So I do think when you have been knocked down your life is by no means over, think of it more like a chance to rise back up to the top a stronger and more defined person, this is your chance to shine. You want a career change…what’s stopping you? You want to meet someone new…what’s stopping you? You want a complete fresh start…what’s stopping you? We only regret the chances we never took.

If not now, when? Love this quote, gets you thinking about what really is in the way of you achieving something, you have tackled the black dog and won, surely you can do anything. Yes, it’s scary making a change in your life, I am not a massive fan of change, but think what do you have to really loose? Someone says no to you, oh well move on to the next opportunity, and obviously wasn’t meant to be…but if someone says yes you could have just landed your dream job/house/partner, so surely has to be worth the risk.

I know how the mind can trick you into feeling you aren’t good enough, I feel/have felt that and it really sucks to be constantly feeling other people are better or more talented than you, but fight back with your mind and the negative thoughts. Tell yourself I am good enough, I am just as talented as them, I can do this, feed your mind with these positive thoughts and watch what happens, don’t believe me try for yourself!