Anyone who knows me knows that I don’t drive. Do I want to drive? Of course, do I think I will ever find the courage to drive again?! No…this is the dilemma I live with every day and I really wish I could either accept that I won’t drive again and be happy or try and drive…how do I do this?!

People tell me ‘You don’t need to drive’ and ‘It doesn’t matter if you don’t drive’ and I nod and agree to make them feel better because they don’t know what else to say to me. I think because I did drive and even after the accident I drove for a couple of months but then I let my anxiety win I am maybe harder on myself than I should be. The not driving to me means so much more because I feel like a failure, I gave in to fear and I let it win whereas if I just didn’t drive I don’t think it would be a problem.

I lost my independence along with my confidence, if I want to go somewhere I have to walk or take public transport and yes that’s in the freezing cold and rain too, which I understand people do this too every day. I don’t complain I get on with it, but there’s always times when the bus or train times don’t quite match up when I want to go to an appointment so I can’t go or have to rely on someone to give me a lift and that makes me feel such a nuisance to everybody. I can never really tell if it is just me overthinking or worrying that I am putting people out or if people do get annoyed with me because I have to rely on them and I think that gets me down too.

I want to feel like a ‘normal’ person and just jump in my car and go off and think nothing more of it, instead I have to faff around, check bus/train times or check that someone can take me before I make an appointment and I think why should people have to go out of their way to help me just because I chose not to drive.

I’ve had the comments like ‘Just drive around the block and you’ll be fine’ or ‘The worst thing you can do is not drive, get back in the car’, personally I don’t find these comments motivational or inspiring, they hurt and just make me feel worse than I already did. I get the jokes like ‘Bus wanker’ or ‘Where’s your car’, I can see the funny side I do have a good sense of humour but it does strike a little bit of a nerve but that’s just me disappointed with myself. I think people do feel sorry for me sometimes because I don’t drive and walk everywhere but I don’t want peoples sympathy I just want people to not make a big deal about it and be like ‘Get in the car, let’s go’.

Nobody is really pressuring me to drive but myself and I think it’s more for other people than myself, so people don’t have to be put out by me, they don’t have to take time to pick me up from the train station, drop me home or take me somewhere. I ALWAYS show appreciation to people who do this for me, I couldn’t be more grateful that you take the extra time to do this for me when you don’t have to but I still feel such an annoyance to you and that probably does drive you up the wall!

Going forward I have absolutely no idea what the future of driving/non-driving will hold and maybe that is what scares me…I know it takes time and I have to be kind to myself which is so easy for other people to say to me but living with this everyday can be tiring! I just wish I could find the strength to face my fears! 

Can you talk the talk?? Music…football…hoodies mention that to me and I can talk all day, mention how are you feeling? And I am out the door, turn the conversation serious and I’m quicker than Usian Bolt. Why?! I really have no idea, I have been trying to figure that out for a while now…If you want help or guidance with a problem…I’m your girl…I can offer a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on…but when the turn tide turns around to me and that has been a lot recently…I’m gone. I think people would call it ‘practice what you preach’ so yeah that’s a working progress with me but I am willing to challenge myself until I can preach what I practice!!

When I was younger mental health was never spoken of, if a kid acted up they were classed as ‘naughty’ or punished instead of being heard. Talking online to friends became popular with MSN and Bebo…is that how we have forgotten how to talk to each other face to face?! And now social media rules the world…which I do think social media has its perks for spreading the word on a good cause but there is ALWAYS the negatives which some people can get effected by more, with the constant pressure to be the best version of you and the constant need to be happy no matter what…the competition to have the best life no matter the price…so can a person have 1000 Facebook friends but still feel lonely and isolated?!

I’m not ashamed to admit that I have been in therapy over a year and some days I really can’t get my words out…but I’ve never been pushed or pressured…the only person pressuring me is me, I feel I have to talk or I am failing myself…stupid right?! Sometimes I think we are our own worst enemies…when all we really need is time and patience to heal…what’s the constant pressure to get places as quick as possible…is that online pressure again?

So can I talk the talk?! I do a lot of writing now to get stuff off my chest…I want to help people who may be suffering in silence, believe me I know what that feels like…the fear of asking for help is real. The best person to ask is my therapist…but she isn’t going to tell you! So at this point in my life I am TRYING and WORKING hard to talk the talk…so picture waiting for your computer to do this…That’s me right now!

Follow your fire…as well as being one of my favourite Kodaline songs I think it takes a lot of courage for someone to follow their fire. The last few weeks for me has been such a whirlwind of emotions…one minute I’m on a high and the next minute I am back down…it’s amazing how quick you can go from happy to feeling low again and how many times a day!

I know what I want to do in life and logically I know what I have to do to get there BUT in my mind I am forever thinking I cannot achieve my dream. I’ve been battling with the black dog the last few months and for my dream I need to have my own emotions in order and maybe that is what throws me off track, earlier this year I had a college interview to start a counselling course but I ‘bailed’ out. I don’t believe that everything happens for a reason, I believe life is a series of choices and decisions and unfortunately I made the wrong one. Maybe it just wasn’t the right time for me but in my heart I really know that helping/supporting others is what I really want to do.

Confidence is something that can be taken away from you in a second but is such a timely process to build back up. I’ve never had much of it but I had enough to get me through school and to start my first job, I think people would think I am more confident then I feel, I can put on a brave face when I need too and I think that a lot of people do that. I feel frustrated with myself that I have let a 10 second incident in my life crush my confidence and take that feeling of achievement and positivity out of my life. 2 years ago I had the drive and motivation to change job and chase down a career and now it’s suddenly vanished?!

Encouragement….I think that’s what helps people to get to a better place. I’ve been trying to chip away and get myself out of this hole, I think if you are in a dark place it’s harder to find the light but I try and remember that stars only shine at night. The way I like to see it is the people that give you a boost are the people you need most in your life! Yesterday my counsellor CM gave me the biggest encouragement I have had in a very long time. Reading that someone believes in you, believes you have potential to achieve your dreams and sees things in me that I have maybe lost over time is an unreal feeling. It’s the feeling that someone is on your side fighting with you and has your back when you may have lost your away, she once told me that there is always a path no matter how dark and difficult and now I see that.

So today is a good day and I will try and ‘follow my fire’, I know it’s going to take time but you know Rome wasn’t built in a day and that’s still standing!

I don’t think depression can be summed up in one image, I think at times it is a lot of images, I took this photo with my niece a few days after I had felt the lowest I have ever felt. For me my nieces and nephew mean the world to me, they remind me of the simple joys in life, I had just taken my niece to the park and she was the happiest just sitting in a swing and it made me think why can’t everyone just feel that happy all the time, they make me want to fight for my life so I can watch them grow up and be the best aunty I can be for them.

I find it hard to explain to someone who hasn’t suffered mental health what depression feels like, it’s so many different feelings all at once yet you feel nothing at the same time, which some people can probably relate to whereas others will think I am crazy! I suffered anxiety and PTSD in the past which I found I could hide from people and cover up easier but depression crept up slowly and completely wiped me out. It was my counsellor who first mentioned the dreaded D word to me, hearing it out loud hurt but I needed the wakeup call so looking back I am glad it was her that noticed first and she has supported me ever since.

Admitting you have depression is such a massive step, it took me far too long to admit to family and friends that I was struggling. I felt ashamed and weak that I was struggling, I thought I could fight it alone but the truth is you need their support more than ever when you aren’t coping. My family were starting to notice I was getting quieter and had lost my spark yet I still pretended like everything was ok and try my hardest to carry on as normal which eventually broke me. Don’t get me wrong I have supportive family and friends but I just really struggle to talk to people about feelings. It makes you feel so alone and such a burden on people even though people want to be there for you, it’s wanting to be around the people who love you but also wanting to lock yourself in the house and cry alone. It’s having no energy to even get out of bed but you have to get up and go to work faking a smile to get through the day.

I was blind to the effects it can also have on the people that love and care about you, when you are in a dark place you think people don’t care about you which is 100% not the case. My family told me that they feel helpless and don’t know what to do to make me feel better but small things like just spending time with me, going for a walk and chat or just giving me a hug is enough to make you feel more human. You need to let people take care of you when you are down, it will make them feel better and also you to just to have someone there to make you a cup of tea or something to eat. When I did tell my family I was depressed it was a small relief to not have to fake how I was feeling in front of them and slowly started to see that I needed to accept help.    

There is such a negative stigma attached to mental health and that is what I was most afraid of, people judging me and not understanding what I am feeling. Some people see it as attention seeking or a sign of weakness which is why so many people choose to hide it and I feel frustrated that at the day in age it is not talked about and I hope by writing this and being open about my own struggles I can help at least one person find the strength to talk.  

The way I see the journey of recovery is like a tree, leaves may fall and weather may rock a tree but the roots remain and new leaves will always bloom. So my leaves and branches may have fallen but I have amazing people in my life that will help me to grow and keep me rooted and I am thankful to them for being there when I needed them most. I have good days and bad days but I now know I am stronger than my black dog and I WILL keep fighting for me and for my amazing people!!