You should go and love yourself…

 Being comfortable in your own skin and feeling confident about who you are can be a challenge for most of us.

For a while now I have wanted to get a lion tattoo done, I booked it in for my birthday and was so excited to get it done, it has a lot of meaning to me so I couldn’t wait. The night before I started to get the nervous feelings of what if other people don’t like it and think it’s horrible so I started to worry and wanted to cancel getting it done. I woke up feeling the same, my sisters and mum told me not to worry about what other people would think and that it’s my body so other people don’t really get a say, so with their positive vibes I got it done!

Why do I care about what other people think of me?! I really admire people who have that self-confidence of ‘You either take me as I am or F**K off’, how do people get that?! Feeling confident in yourself and being completely happy with yourself is something I feel is so important, if you constantly beat yourself up with negativity surely you are going to have a negative image of yourself. So trying to turn the negatives into positives I think can be life changing, a close friend has messaged me for the past week or so every morning messages that have been really helpful to me, she tells me to love myself, be myself and to like who I am.

So why is it so hard for people to like themselves? The only person that has to spend 24/7 with yourself is you, so accept your flaws and start looking at all the good things in yourself. It’s easier for you to see the bad in yourself because you are your own judge and we are naturally harder on ourselves than other people. One of the most powerful things I have ever seen was at a day with The Speakmans (they are like inspirational speakers), they got a woman up from the audience and asked her to look in a mirror and say all the things she saw. She said things like ‘I’m fat’, ‘I’m ugly’ and ‘I’m horrible, The Speakmans then asked her to walk up to someone and say all those things that she just said about herself and she refused. Why? Because it’s nasty and hurtful, so why do we tell ourselves this stuff and knock ourselves down, we can be our own worst enemies sometimes.

If someone gives you a compliment or says something positive to you, it’s great right…you smile and feel good about yourself, everyone loves to be loved, so why not try saying nice things to yourself and see if it has the same effect. So I am thinking you should challenge yourself to say at least 2 good things about yourself every morning, try it and see how differently you feel and just remember if someone doesn’t like you it’s their loss not yours.

Being normal is boring, so be yourself and be proud of who you are, LOVE YOURSELF!

Over the last couple of years I have been labelled with pretty much everything going, I’ve been told ‘Sophie you have PTSD’ ‘You have specific phobia anxiety’ ‘You have depression’ ‘You have severe depression’ ‘You have anxiety’….how can I have all these different disorders and still be standing?! None of these labels are helpful to me, what do professionals aim to achieve by sticking a label on me?!

Going through a compensation claim I guess I understood the more labels they attached to me the more money they can achieve from me, but when you are trying to get your head around the trauma of a car crash is that really helpful to me?! The labels feel like an extra load piled onto me, weighing me down, I feel like I lost my identity and just became this person everyone loved to label.

The best thing someone told me recently was ‘Sophie you are not your depression, you have depression but you aren’t depression’ the second I heard that I was like WOW why have I never thought of that, something as simple as realising that it doesn’t define me can be powerful. So that is the best thing I could say to someone feeling like they have been labelled or had a label attached to them, you aren’t your disorder, you may live with it and fight with it every day but it doesn’t define you.

I do completely understand when you see a GP or a professional they have limited time and resources to help you so attaching you with a label is simply part of their job but being on the receiving end can be daunting. Once you have the label attached, you spend time researching and googling and read all these horror stories about this disorder you have just had stuck to you and it’s overwhelming to say the least…

One thing that does frustrate me is when people throw these words around like ‘I feel so depressed’ or ‘I just want to kill myself’ in a joking manor, I mean come on is that really funny? I am guilty of these remarks in the past and I didn’t realise the impact that could have on someone, so please think before you throw those comments around! 

Trying to find yourself again can be hard work, is it me feeling like this or is it the black dog?! I use to love going to gigs and footballs games, going out for dinner, going for long walks and now I don’t feel like doing any of these and I do think has this ‘depression’ taking all that away from me?! And will I ever get all these parts of me back?! It’s a scary thought to think that something has taken away all the things you use to enjoy in life and replaced it with a black cloud.

So #ditchthelabel, you may be struggling with mental health but you aren’t the label attached to you so don’t let it drag you down or define who you are!

Dark…worthless…pointless…exhausted…sad…that’s just some of the things that the black dog makes you feel, it’s like you can’t see a way out or don’t see the point in trying to find a way out. You have people rushing around you, fussing, saying unhelpful things and trying to push you into getting out the house.

I met ST a few weeks back, I was apprehensive to start with because asking for help is a MASSIVE step and I haven’t had the best previous counselling experiences…but she dared me to come along and meet her so I thought yeah why not! I don’t do well in like the whole professional setting, so in my head I’m already panicking thinking what the F**K am I meant to say?! I don’t want to swear to much, I don’t want to crack to many stupid jokes, I don’t want to sit in silence so I am pretty much out of options!

Since I have been hanging out with ST I feel the most positive I have in a long time, I feel like with her I can win the fight with this black dog. The way I see counselling to make it that little bit less overwhelming is it’s like having your own personal fan, you have someone cheering you on, pushing you and making you believe in yourself again. So I’m thinking ST is quite a dedicated fan, like one that has a shirt, scarf, and hat and will always show up and cheer me on!

Its early days for me and ST but this is the first glimmer of hope I have seen in a LONG time, so far we have good banter (most important thing to me!!), she has quite a friendly/calm presence and she has opened my eyes that I might have depression but it doesn’t define me and I really needed that!

So I was thinking the other day of people who inspire me, I have a few names that come to mind but I have to say most of all it would be my sister Kate.

Growing up we were pretty much inseparable, she has been like a second mum to me and always has my back. We use to spend hours playing playmobil, animals, watching movies, chatting and messing around. In some ways we can bring out the worst in each other (Mum, Dad & Sarah can confirm this) if we get together we mess around and make each other laugh, still to this day and that’s one of my favourite things about her! She can maybe come across quite strong and you will never win an argument with her (Tom knows what I mean) but deep down she has the biggest most caring heart and will go to extreme lengths to protect the people she loves.

 If she has her mind set to do something she will do it, from a young age she wanted to be a midwife so worked hard at school, went to college and then moved to London to study. She lived alone in some dodgy parts of London, she never complained about it she just got on with it because she wanted to achieve her dream. Determined is a word I would use to describe her, nothing is too big to get in the way of what she wants, she now has a second degree and is a health visitor and passionate about making a difference to mothers/babies lives.

She will be there for you when you need a helping hand, need a second opinion or just a shoulder to cry on, she has always been protective over me and I can’t thank her enough for always being there when I need her. Did we annoy each other when we were younger?! Of course what sisters don’t squabble but we never fought for long and back to being besties straight away. She was always fun to wind up and annoy (still is) but we work best when we annoy people together!

She went through one of the hardest things 2 years ago, she went into labour 8 weeks early and little Rosie had to stay in hospital for 3 weeks, she was so strong for her and for Tom. I can’t imagine the fear and sadness she must have felt at the time to not be able to hold and take little Rosie home, but she didn’t complain she just got on with it. She spent every minute she could with Rosie during this time, running on lack of food and sleep just so she could spend as much time as she could with her, I went over to see Rosie and Kate and it was just heart-warming to see the love Kate had for her.

She’s an amazing mum to Rosie, she’s nearly 2 now and just the happiest kid ever! She does everything she can to give Rosie the best childhood, spends time with her, takes her to the park, takes her on holiday and takes her out for days! So pretty much an amazing sister and mum!

The power within…

So I have had a bit of a revelation, I wouldn’t describe myself as strong minded, decisive or really know what I want in life, but anyway something has hit me quite hard.

If you look at symptoms of depression it will say ‘difficulty in making decisions’ so I could use that as my excuse for never being able to make a decision. I’ve had a counsellor decide they no longer want to work with me, I obviously feel let down, sad, betrayed and like I have been given up on, so the last few days for me have been hard to get my head around this. I had seen this woman for over a year so have spent a lot of time with her, money on her and leaned on her when I was in my darkest hour, so it was a bit of a shock.

ANYWAY, moving forward I have found a new counsellor (ST) who in the couple of times I have seen her has made me feel that I have the power to win this fight. I haven’t really felt that positive lately, I almost feel that I was being pulled back and that ST has cut the rope for me and shown me that I do have the power inside me to fight this, I just have to look a bit harder and find it. I think I have realised that I can’t rely on someone else to make decisions for me anymore, I need to find the strength to decide for myself.

I see strength as a lion (it’s one of my favourite songs by Hollywood Undead…take a listen) and they are just a big cat so what’s not to love! They symbolise loyalty, power and courage, they stick in the same pride all their lives and they fight to protect their territory. Female lions known as ‘sisters’ stick together for life and I can relate to that, me and my sisters stick together through thick and thin and always have my back. I am not aiming to be quite as dangerous as a lion, I am a bit more soft and fluffy, but do love to sleep!

I think I needed that revelation, probably not quite the way I wanted it but I feel stronger and more positive now because of it, so I think it’s important to find your inner lion!

BIG changes start with small steps…I think a lot of small steps are sometimes better than one big step, if you do take a step back it will be less dramatic if you only took a small step!

The small step I am trying to make at the moment is to get up earlier in the morning and have breakfast before I leave for work…sounds ridiculous right?! But to me at the moment I am hoping it is a small step in the right direction, getting out of bed is forever a struggle so I am challenging myself to set my alarm 25 minutes earlier every morning and go and make myself breakfast. I am hoping that having those extra few minutes and a bit of food will have a positive effect in the long run…so in the mornings if you feel like motivating me by all means message me and try and help me get out of bed!!

I think by making a small list of achievable goals to aim towards can be positive, if you are having a down day make the goal to get up and shower, if you are having a better day aim a little higher and it can be to cook a homemade meal or go for a walk, the possibilities are endless! But by chipping away at small chunks instead of trying to tackle one massive hurdle can be more manageable and make life that little bit easier.

You don’t have to get everywhere in life as quickly as possible, just because someone you may know may be getting a promotion, buying a house or having a baby doesn’t mean you should be doing the same, they may be at a different stage in their life and you shouldn’t compare yourself to other people, you can only be the best version of you!

Don’t let other people put pressure on you, take each day as it comes, some days will be better than others and that’s ok everybody has their ups and downs. You may have forgotten the old you, the motivated, ambitious, creative person that once had big dreams and that person will be found again you just need time and a bit of a helping hand to get there. So be kind to yourself, you are doing the best you can and you WILL get there!!!

 

Never Give Up….even when it’s dark and you really can’t see the light I think it’s so important to remember those 3 words (it’s also an amazing Sia song so it helps to listen to that too!!)

For me I try to think ‘Who is going to give Tigger hugs and take a million silly selfies with him?!’ ‘Who is going to make Rosie laugh by burping and messing around?’ ‘Who is going to take Arthur to see cartoons at the cinema’ ‘Who is going to be there to annoy little Violet (she loves it really!!)’ So try and remember all the things that only you do that makes a small difference to other’s lives, you might not think it’s a massive thing but the other person might!

When you get knocked down I guess you have a choice you can stay down or you can try really hard to pick up the pieces and get back up again, it’s not easy when you are in a dark place to find all the pieces but let people around you shine the light for you. There will be times when you feel you can’t get back up, believe me this week has been a testament to that but I know if I fall or stumble friends and family will be there to catch me, wipe my tears and put me back together again.

Don’t be so hard on yourself if you don’t feel like going out or going somewhere than don’t go, it doesn’t mean you have failed or are lazy it means you are tired and don’t feel like doing something, this has been something I have struggled majorly with. I don’t like letting people down and the last few months I feel all I have done is let people down by not going places or feeling up to arranged plans but at the end of the day they are family/friends and will understand and still love you anyway!

I think it can be quite important to set yourself a goal and aim towards that, something you really want to do when this is more manageable/over (I don’t know which one!!) could be a holiday, go back to college/university, write a book or even just treat yourself to new pair of expensive shoes! If you feel you are chasing after something it might make you feel motivated to keep pushing through on a bad day but maybe that is just me!!

“I’m Freddie F**KING Mercury” Has to be my favourite line from the Bohemian Rhapsody film, not just because of the swearing but because he really meant it when he said it!

He was different and wasn’t afraid to show it, he knew who he was and proud to be a little quirky in a very plain world! I love Queen, their music is AMAZING, but watching in the movie how much the music to the band and how they wanted it to be special and something for the listener to connect with to make them feel good instead of nowadays and just being all about money and Instagram followers! Even when Freddie Mercury knew he didn’t have much time left he still wanted to be this amazing performer, stayed positive and said the show must go on without him. He had his ups and downs in life but never stopped fighting and kept making passionate and powerful music!

To me music is my life, so the best way to inspire me or motivate is MUSIC!! That’s probably why this film made my ears prick up and really think even though he didn’t have a long life he really made a positive impact on people’s lives and dedicated his life making meaningful music. He got knocked down along the way with record companies trying to mould him into being ‘radio friendly’ or what makes the most money but he stuck loyal to his music and became successful anyway!

I think it’s important to love yourself, I am guilty of not doing this, all I am ever told by therapists is ‘Sophie be kind to yourself’ and I hear them but never really take it on board. I don’t know if I am unkind to myself because of this black dog or have I always been unkind to myself? I generally think that I can’t follow my dreams and I can’t make a change in my life because I am not good enough, not smart enough, not strong enough and surely the more I kept telling myself this the more I am going to believe this?! It’s a very vicious cycle and right now I’m not 100% sure how to break this cycle but it is something I am working on because I’m Sophie F**KING Collumbell!! (Feels amazing to say that you should try it!!!).

You have to accept and embrace your flaws, what you hate/dislike about yourself someone else may love, the good and bad things about yourself makes you who you who you are! Just think if everyone was the same what a boring place the world would be and just remember what a CHAMPION you are!!

Sometimes you can’t make it on your own…I’ll be completely honest today was a f**king nightmare for me and the black dog, woke up feeling like I couldn’t wait for the day to be over and just wanted to hide under my duvet and not see anybody…but anyway I tried to go on as normal as possible and it was a massive crumbling fail.

Accepting help from others…why is this still such a massive stumbling block for me?! Why can’t I just tell people ‘I’m having a really rubbish day’ or ‘I’m not feeling it today’ and take time out for myself, I am trying to go on with my life as normal as possible and I have to accept there are going to be days when I really can’t face the world and that’s ok right? It’s ok not to be ok, everyone has bad days and it’s ok to accept help from the people that care about you!

I started writing a blog today called best fake smile because that’s what I felt I would have to do today, I realised in a conversation I had earlier that I do this ‘best fake smile’ to keep other people happy and to make them feel less awkward and uncomfortable around me. I worry so much that people will think I am too quiet, not smiling enough, not being my usual self or giving out the ‘puppy dog eyes’ so I am trying to be all these things for others so they don’t have to worry about me and it is EXHAUSTING. I know how hard it must be for others to be on the receiving end of all this, not knowing what to say, what to do, do you address it?! Do you carry on as normal?! Do you ask the dreaded are you ok question?!

When friends and family say to me ‘What can I do to make this ok?’ ‘What can I do to help you?’, all I can say is I really don’t know the answer to that, I wish I did, I wish I knew how to help you to help me but just being there really is enough, being patient, spending time together, you don’t have to try and ‘fix’ this because sometimes there isn’t a way to fix it, maybe suggest a walk?! Going for a coffee?! A personal favourite has been as simple as a  work colleague leaving funny/happy post it notes on my desk just remind me I’m loved so small gestures like that always go a long way!

I feel so lucky to have an understanding boss and work colleagues, they are my rock on a daily basis to keep me going, they make me smile, laugh, chat to me, hug me and generally keep me rooted through the darker days. I can’t imagine what it would feel like for someone to be suffering with this and not have that support from work friends, you pretty much spend 90% of your life at work and I feel so grateful for my work peeps for having my back through good and bad days!

Nobody has to fight this alone, so let people give you a helping hand (it will make them happy and feel useful!!) and will make you feel less alone!!

  The happy pill stigma

This is something that has been the worse to get my head around and even now I still struggle with the stigma that comes with taking anti-depressants….even that word anti-depressants makes me annoyed.

Invisible Illness

So you would take a pill/antibiotics if you had a virus or physical illness yet the minute it is something that you can’t physically see and you need to take a pill that comes with a label?! How does that work…I was just as blind to this a few months back, when I was down and needed help I point blank refused to take pills, I felt the shame of having to take a pill to make me feel happier, I had friends and family from every angle pleading with me to take them. I did my research and it turns out the pills just give your brain a lift of serotonin needed to help balance your moods.

Am I not strong enough?

This was one of the thoughts that went through my head and that’s probably why I refused to admit I needed help and went on for so long before seeking help. It’s so easy for people to feel weak and like they can cope because others are telling them to ‘get over it’ or ‘other people have it worse’ that’s an unfair/unhelpful comment to someone who is struggling. You should never be made to feel like you are weak and have failed, you are strong for asking for help and brave for showing your vulnerability to others.

Won’t I get addicted?

I personally don’t see the pills as a long term solution for me, I see them as I need them at the moment to give me that boost and will be working hard in therapy to get to a better place. It’s all a personal choice and what works best for the individual, I don’t think it’s anything that should be judged, people work at their own pace and I’m sure a GP is the best person to speak to for advice on time length of pills!

The shame…

I’ve had the looks from people at appointments when they ask me if I am on any medication, the look of ‘oh she is on anti-depressants’, I’m not going to lie I felt embarrassed and ashamed. But now I think, who are they to judge me?! They don’t know what I’ve been through and how far I have come, the best advice I have been given is think to yourself that’s ‘their shit’ not ‘your shit’ you are bettering yourself and they are sitting their judging you!

You’re not trying hard enough

You should exercise more…you should go for a walk…you should think more positive…you should eat better…I could go on and on but don’t worry I won’t! When you are feeling physically and mentally exhausted you really don’t want to cook a healthy meal, go for a walk/run and there aren’t many happy thoughts floating around your head so all this advice is really unrealistic and makes us feel like we aren’t trying our hardest, getting out of bed is an achievement to be proud of! Medication just gives us the nudge we need to help us be more active and get back to our daily routine.

Drugs are the easy way out

So untrue, firstly they take time to kick in and the first couple weeks can have some horrible side effects of nausea and headaches which makes it hard to stick with them. Once you have battled through these side effects they might not agree with you so can take time to find the right pill which can be frustrating or you might need a higher/lower dosage which again will take time. Medication is not going to fix your problems, you will have good days and bad days, and they can give you a helping hand on the road to recovery!

#Breakthestigma

More than anything I just want to help break the stigma of mental health and especially that taking medication is a weak/negative thing to do. I feel strongly about this because I have personally been made to feel weak and been judged for being on it and it had quite an impact on me when I needed help the most. You wouldn’t tell someone not to take painkillers for a broken arm so why tell someone to not take pills for mental health?!