Have you ever felt like you just want to hit the pause button on life? Slow it down a bit or maybe even completely just pause for a minute to give your head a break…

When there is so much going on, a small amount of time and so many BIG changes on the horizon it’s F**KING scary and I almost feel like I have to do make all these massive decisions and I have to make them alone. I have always lived in the same town, it’s safe, it’s familiar, and it’s always been home, but in a few weeks I will be in a new home, cutting down my hours at work, it’s been such a turnaround in the last few weeks and it’s not slowing down.

I completely doubt myself with decision making, I don’t believe in myself enough to know what the ‘right’ thing to do is, is there such a thing as a ‘right’ thing to do? Does everyone have these same self-doubts when making decisions, I have always had someone to lean on when making the tougher decisions in life, and I am easily swayed and usually do whatever makes other people happy. I have always put my own happiness last, I worry that my decisions will have a negative impact on them so tend to steer clear of doing what I actually want just in case.

Being familiar with the things around us gives us that sense of safety and comfort, we can relax more when we know where we are and what we are doing, and it’s only human to like the things we know. I almost have those butterflies of starting a new job, having to pack up my life in a few boxes and leave all the things that I worked so hard to get and that cosy home that I tried to create is just an image in the rear view mirror. One of the hardest parts at the moment is selling all the household items, I have moved a couple of times before and I am usually just packing things like plates, ornaments, cutlery into boxes and now I am just getting rid of them. I know that all of these things are just things and can be replaced but inside it’s that feeling of failing, I am having to give all these things up because my marriage failed.

Tigger and I will be on a new venture, I could have stayed in my familiar surroundings but I would have had to give him away, people probably think I am stupid for moving away just so I can keep Tigger but for me giving him up was never an option. I feel anxious for him, it will take him time to get used to living in a new place, being around 2 unfamiliar people to him, and part of my fear is for him. I can adapt to living somewhere different a bit quicker after all they are family and I have stayed there overnight a couple of times but a permanent change is daunting.

If I could hit the pause button on life, I would, just to give me that little bit more headspace of all that is happening right now or I would break away in the sun! The changes I am making in my life could be a fresh start and with that comes excitement, but guilt as it will impact others too. 

Since I have been living alone, there has been the parts that I really enjoy like having the heating on as much as I like, watching what I like on the TV and not having anyone to nag at me and then come some parts which can get a little lonely. Don’t get me wrong I like my own company, I enjoy writing, listening to music and laying in bed!!

So it’s a Saturday, I got up, cleaned the house, walked over to the supermarket to pick up some food, came back and then headed off to the train station to go over to football. On my walk to the station it hit me, it’s 1pm and I haven’t spoken a word aloud, not even a hello at the supermarket, I used the self checkout, the most communication I have had is asking Alexa to play Heart FM.

It got me thinking about the effects that loneliness can have on mental health, I personally do not consider myself to be a lonely person, I am lucky enough to have a big loving family, some close friends yet it will be gone 2pm before I actually speak a word aloud. The black dog wants you to feel that loneliness, it wants you to isolate yourself from others, but what if there are people out there who are struggling with mental health or of the older generation and don’t have anyone to regularly communicate with. It opened my eyes, even though we do live in a world that is filled with so many people, there will be some that don’t have anyone to turn too and what a negative effect that must have on their mental health.

Everywhere you turn nowadays people are looking down, glued to their phones, not raising their heads and looking at what is right in front of them. You go to a restaurant and people aren’t talking to eachother, a concert nobody is watching it with their eyes but through a screen, you can sit opposite a person yet don’t feel that they are present with you. Have we forgotten how to speak to each other? To interact with each other? To live in the moment?

I think everyone can be a little guilty or has been a little guilty of flicking through social media, reading an email or replying to a message when you are in the company of others, it might seem harmless at the time but if someone is trying to communicate it can be seen as rejection or like they are not important to you. But try and remember that social media, that email or message will still be there in 10 minutes time but being present and paying attention to the person standing/sitting in front of you, that has a lower time limit.

One of my favourite things about therapy is having 50 minutes of time away from the busyness of everyday life and reflecting on things that you might not otherwise think or speak about. Spending time with family and friends are important, raise your head and communicate with them, go for a coffee and chat, go for a walk and be present, listen to each other.

I have applied to be a volunteer with independent age so for 1-2 hours a fortnight I can spend time having a tea and chat with people who may not otherwise get to see or speak to anyone for days at a time.

The last couple of weeks have been full on, like change of lifestyle, dramatic, uncertainty, scared, relieved and also reminded me how much love and support I have around me. One minute I have been up and then a minute later I am crashing back down, it’s a whirlwind of emotions and how do you manage them all at once?!

My marriage has broken down, I now live alone (apart from the cat), I am now cooking (microwaving) for 1, I am doing loads of washing for 1, I am making 1 cup of tea, food shopping for 1,  everything has gone from 2 to 1 overnight. Its feeling confused, disheartened, let down and yet also relieved because we could both see it coming. It’s a shock to the system, it would have been 5 years ago that we first moved in together and if you asked us then I don’t think we would have thought this would be how things ended.

The uncertainty that comes alongside this triggers a whole new side of anxiety, it’s the big ADULT decisions that I have to make like where am I going to live in a couple of months? It is going to affect my job? Is this going to stool my plans to come off the ‘happy pills?’ Can I afford to eat well or do I just live off ready meals? Can I afford to live alone? All these questions constantly floating around my head, they don’t really have a switch to lower them down or turn them off, it’s trying to manage enough sleep so I can function a 9 hour shift at work and try and maintain my sanity.

Divorce is a common thing these days, it’s no longer frowned upon or judged by others, it’s almost rare if you do stay married for life. It’s trying to keep your head above water and continue some kind of normality in life, work is the safe space that can take your mind off the worries for a little bit but working in an estate agents I know the realism of finding an affordable place for me and Tiggs to live so I do get that constant reminder of how tough the next few months will be.

Everyone keeps telling me to ‘take one day at a time’ or ‘take each day as it comes’, I see the sense in that but my anxiety doesn’t…my anxiety likes to know the future living plan, what’s going to be happening, what do I do, what’s the best thing to do. It’s all the questions that can’t really be answered yet, it’s tiring, it’s exhausting and only time will reveal the answers.

The 1 time of the week when I get to slow down, spend 50 minutes completely away from phones/social media, be 100% present and talk to someone who isn’t going to tell me ‘don’t worry it will all work out’ is therapy. At the weekend I was feeling in a positive place, I decided to get some stones from the beach and write positives things on them, which I then brought to therapy and we have spent the last 2 sessions painting them and making them more ‘pretty’. I lost all positivity yesterday and have felt smothered by the black dog today so having that space to just sit and drink some peppermint tea (Yep I drank old peoples tea!!) for the first time! After spending years of rinsing people that drink it and now I am one of those ‘old people’ that drinks mint tea…it just made me think of the importance of just sitting, drinking tea and being present, nowadays we are forever not really listening to each other and distracted by technology! 

Change can be scary, daunting, overwhelming but it can also be exciting and possibly the best thing that could happen to you.

Someone told me yesterday ‘Change and loss are deeply connected and there can be no change without loss’ it really stuck with me. I have never been a massive fan of change, it takes courage, confidence and a little self-belief and I lack all of those things right now. Small changes adapt into daily life a little easier than the big changes, is that because in our minds build up one sudden change instead of many littles ones? The mind is a powerful thing, it can work with you and work against you depending what you are feeding it.

2019 has already started a tough year, I was feeling positive for what the year had in store for me but life has taken a different route. I have many changes on the horizon and only time will help me to adjust to them and support from loved ones. Some of the changes deep down I knew they were coming but I was too afraid to admit them. Changes can be an individual decision, it can be influenced by others or initiated by someone else which can be harder as the choice is taken away from you.

Loosing something or someone that has been close to you for so long leaves you feeling lost, disappointed, hurt and how can you replace that missing jigsaw piece that has disappeared. Change can be tough to start to with, so you may feel like the world is against you or defeated by the change in circumstance but in the long run it could be the right decision, so it could be worth the risk.

There will always be loss, that is a part of life, a part that sometimes we have no control over, the main thing to remember is that sometimes LIFE IS TOUGH BUT SO ARE YOU!!

 

Don’t give up on me…It’s pretty obvious to everyone that the last few months haven’t been that easy for me or for the people around me, but all I can say is please don’t give up on me just yet.

It’s not me that is pushing you away, isolating myself, bringing you down, worrying you or making your life hard work, it’s the depression. Some days are harder than others, it’s a mixture of highs and lows, tears and laughs, silence and smiles but bear with me because it’s not the real me. It can feel almost like the black dog has moulded into me and snatched that spark away from me but I am forever fighting to get it back.

We need your support, love, reassurance more than ever to help cage this black dog, you are going to have to remind us that we are strong, we do matter and we are wanted. We didn’t ask for this, we didn’t want this, we don’t think that we deserve this but none of that matters right now. Deep down we know you are there for us but we don’t want to burden you and ask for help, or to annoy you to spend time with us when we are feeling down, it makes us feel like we are wasting your time. It’s invisible and can be easily disguised with a flash of a smile, if it was physical would you notice more and show a better understanding to us.  

The people that surround you make those bad days a little brighter, make those tears turn into smiles and make you feel loved when you feel worthless. You may have to try that little bit harder with us and it’s really not personal, some days are exhausting, some days we can’t face without shedding a tear and some days we smile and mean it. Sometimes we can’t really explain how we are feeling and why, it can be a mixture of many feelings or it can be an emptiness.

Don’t give up with someone who is struggling with mental health, it’s a lonely and scary illness, we may appear to be FINE on the outside but inside we are crying out for help. It’s an everyday battle, and battles can only be won when we stand and fight together.

For my age (26) I have probably lived through quite a lot of things that have impacted my mental health and I am sat here now and couldn’t be more excited for what my future holds.

I have struggled with anxiety, PTSD and depression, the last 2 years have basically been a write off for me, I have been down in the dumps because I felt I haven’t gained anything from these last couple of years, it’s like I have been alive but not really living. A few months ago I was wanting to end my life because I couldn’t deal with my depression and now I couldn’t feel more excited for what this year has in store for me.

So what’s changed? Nothing really, I am still the same person I was a few months ago but what I have learnt is that instead of punishing and beating myself up about my mental health and I am going to turn it into a positive. I am going to take the pain I have felt, the hopelessness, the anxiety and the trauma and use it to support others who are suffering. The saying ‘Once you have hit rock bottom, the only way is up’ really applies, I have walked through such darkness and felt things I would never wish upon another person and yet I have come back fighting and a stronger  

From a young age I never knew what I wanted to do as a job, I was never very ‘career minded’ or motivated in anything other than writing or photography. I ended up being advised to leave college at 17 and stumbled into an apprenticeship at an estate agents, 9 years later I am still at this job. About a year ago, I was attending therapy and something in me just clicked, maybe I could be a counsellor…I did an online level 2 introduction course, smashed it out in a couple of months and loved it.

I have changed my mind set that the worst time of my life will not define me and turn into the best time of my life, the things my therapist has taught me in such a small amount of time have lifted my mood dramatically and now my dream of becoming a counsellor has turned into a plan. She has shown me the negativity I carry around with me only weighs me down, she is teaching me to recognise my feelings and the best one all is to stop carrying other people’s stuff around with me and focus on my own life.

The way I imagine the journey of counselling is almost like a marathon, it’s going to take time, it’s going to take patience, there will be times when you feel you can’t go on, you will get exhausted, you will have to practice, you will feel supported by the cheers, all of those mental hurdles are so worth it when you cross that finish line. Those proud moments for me make therapy worth it, the happiness on her face when I have ‘smashed’ doing something that a few weeks before I was terrified of even considering is the best!

So my PLAN (not dream) this year is to study and work hard to become a counsellor, I think my past will make me relatable, empathetic and down to earth with people who are struggling. Who better to speak to about feeling anxious than someone who deals with that most days? Who better to open up to about those dark and scary thoughts than someone who has been there? When you feel alone and the world is against you? I can support you. The road to becoming a counsellor will be emotional, tough, rewarding, enlightening and I will reflect on my personal emotions to be the best version of myself I can be to help others.

The last few months have been an absolute whirlwind of emotions, there has been downs, ups, confusion, loneliness, comfort and all of this has strengthened me, empowered me and made me realise how precious life is. Life is short, it’s made up of moments, moments that we create with the people around us and the choices we make, and I choose to be stronger than my black dog and turn my negatives into a positive.

I read a quote a while back that said ‘Becoming a therapist, always remember that for each patient you see, you may be the only person in their life capable of both hearing and holding their pain. If that isn’t sacred, I don’t know what is’. It was like sun shining through a tree, I am ready to chase the sun!

So you have probably heard of pre-match nerves, pre-interview nerves or maybe even pre-race nerves, but pre-therapy nerves is probably more rare. Going to therapy is a choice, we choose to attend therapy to work through difficult times in our lives, manage major life changes, and cope with mental health or to talk things through with a professional.

It takes a lot of courage to walk into a therapy room that should never be underestimated, if you are already struggling with anxiety and you have to walk into a completely new place and meet a complete stranger it’s terrifying. It pushes you out of your comfort zone, pushes you to show vulnerability, pushes you to open up and pushes you to rediscover yourself. It can be hard work, a weekly ‘pain in the arse’ but it can also be worthwhile and rewarding.

I have attended therapy on/off for the last couple of years, I have seen a couple of different therapists some short term and 1 on a longer term basis. I am almost my own worst enemy when it comes to therapy, I want so much to make the changes in my life and not let my past define my future but when it comes to talking I become a little guarded. From a young age I have been known as the ‘joker’ of the family and my friend group, I don’t take life all that seriously, I love to make people laugh so I come across as this ‘happy’ and ‘bubbly’ person, nobody has seen this as a mask to cover up how I am really feeling until I walked into therapy. I have been using humour as a defence mechanism for such a long time, it’s safe, it keeps people at arm’s length but it also isn’t helping my mental health.

I attended therapy in 2016, I had been in quite a bad car accident so was struggling a bit with PTSD and it crept into daily life more and more so I decided I needed help. Because I struggle to talk and open up I can be seen as difficult or maybe challenging so I am not the easiest client. For me it’s the feeling of being trapped and confided in this small room, there was a brief moment in the car when I was trapped so it makes me anxious to be in a small space. Most counsellors have small offices/rooms, occasionally I would walk outside with a counsellor and that helped a little. I don’t like silences, I find them uncomfortable and awkward, and so when you are just sat opposite a person and I don’t know what to say and the room is deadly silent, I start to panic.  

It has taken me a bit of time, I have seen a few therapists, but now I feel I have found the right one for me. Sense of humour is a big one for me, we have a laugh, joke around but she will also push me in the right way when the time comes. Therapy isn’t meant to be this sad/depressing experience, there will be times when you have to have difficult conversations and things may even get worse before they get better but it’s also about building a safe and warm relationship. I think over time I have laughed more than cried, I can be avoidant, guarded and try to keep Shelley at arm’s length but somehow she manages to get me talking, she believes in me when I don’t, she reminds me to be kind to myself and laughs at my jokes!

A counselling relationship is like no other relationship you will have in your life, you need to be able to trust a complete stranger, be open, be honest and feel comfortable to talk about your deepest worries. It’s like having a best friend, you will probably tell your therapist more secrets than you would a best friend, but it is that similar bond that you will have. It can feel a little un-natural at first, because the time you spend with them is focused on you, they are there to listen/support you and show empathy towards your personal life.

I get the pre-therapy nerves most weeks, it’s the butterflies in my tummy, the negative thoughts of ‘I have nothing to say today’, ‘I don’t feel like talking’, ‘It’s going to be awkward and silent’, all of these things that rush through my head NEVER happen. Once I have settled down with Shelley, I almost forgot the pre-therapy nerves I was having 5 minutes before, she has a calming/warm presence so it becomes more of a natural conversation. I think the room makes a huge difference, her room is cosy, always smells of nice candles and even though I am not a huge fan of smaller spaces it doesn’t have that ‘trapped’ feeling about it. I am not saying that the 50 minutes a week I spend with Shelley are easy, but she makes them that little bit easier for me.

I have every faith in counselling, I believe if there is a mutual commitment and a trusting relationship between you and your therapist then you will get what you want from your sessions. It can take time to find a therapist that suits you, don’t let one bad experience put you off (If I had I wouldn’t be where I am today!!).

I have been told ‘There is no such thing as a bad counselling session’, Shelley told me about what she thought was a bad counselling that turned out to be a massive turning point in her life. She took this photo on her way home and told herself that she would use it for when she qualified and she does, that really inspired me to keep my head up and keep pushing on, even when things do get hard.

So those pre-therapy nerves may come and go, talking and time are the best healers, I am grateful I have found Shelley and she will walk alongside me on my journey!

I have often thought to myself, how do I escape the black dog? Do I try and outrun him? Do I run away from him? Or do I train him to walk by my side?  

So far I have learnt that the black dog is something I have to try and manage instead of escape from, with patience, a better understanding of depression and a good sense of humour I think I can train him to stand at my heel rather than let him have control. As cliché as it does sound, time is the best healer, it’s not something that is going to happen overnight, in a week or maybe not even a month, only with time will the black dog become more manageable. It takes time to find out what helps you cope, what gives you the headspace you need from everyday stresses and to teach your black dog to heel.

Why the analogy of a black dog? Winston Churchill referred to his depression as ‘The Black Dog’, I like the reference of a dog because I am an animal lover, referring to depression as ‘A Dark Cloud’, ‘Treading on a road full of potholes’ or ‘A bed made of sandpaper’ are negative and something you can’t really learn to live with. To me a dog is something that you train, learn to love and will keep you on your toes, so having that more positive analogy gives it less power over me.

Maybe you will eventually set him free and I really hope that one day I will let him off the lead and he will never come back but for now it’s all about taking those small steps in the right direction. It’s about celebrating the small achievements that you make in life, it’s about not thinking too far ahead because that can be daunting and overwhelming. Taking one day at a time I think is the most important thing to do, focus on the next 24 hours in front of you rather than the bigger picture. Don’t get me wrong I have an idea of where I want to go and what I want to do in life but for now having that anxiety of ‘Am I doing the right thing?!’ or that fear of 1 massive change all at once, many small steps can be more effective than 1 big step.

For now I am working on walking alongside my black dog, rather than running from him, I got told by my counsellor today that ‘unfortunately there is no quick fix’, so I will need to learn a bit of patience too!

Hard to believe that the girl in this photo is the same person, on the left was a feeling ok day and the one on the right is the reality of what some days living with depression really feels like. This is the probably the most honest blog I am going to write, I think the photo of me having a rubbish day should prove that on its own, but I am willing to put it out there if it helps others who may be struggling.

Today’s society is all about snapchat filters, edits on Instagram and portraying a ‘happy’ life on social media, I think everyone can be a little guilty of this (me included) because in some ways it’s good to brag online. But if I just showed you the photo of me with the snapchat filter on and posing with a smile would you believe this girl was struggling with depression? I don’t think so, whereas if I showed you the photo of me with no makeup on, hair not done, just been dragged out of bed and crying every few minutes for no apparent reason, would you believe it then?

I think nowadays it is easier for people to hide behind filters, people almost feel they have to hide behind the tiger ears and smiles because of the negative stigma that comes attached to just being honest and saying ‘Yeah I am struggling with mental health, but I’m still me’. There are going to be good days when the tiger ears and smiles come naturally, and they are days that I don’t take for granted anymore, I cherish them and they keep me going and fighting for more, but along with them are the bad days…they are slightly more manageable nowadays but when they do strike, they hit hard.

For someone who hasn’t suffered depression it can be hard to explain, it completely wipes you out, you feel physically exhausted, the thought of getting out of bed seems an impossible task and people will just think I’m being lazy. My husband has had to lay beside me many times and held me whilst I have literally sobbed, I am just as clueless as him to why but I can’t hold back the tears, people will just think I’m being dramatic. The feeling that your life is pointless and you are worthless crosses your mind whilst you lay there, it’s not a thought that you can control, people will just think I am exaggerating. You feel so alone in the world even in a crowded room, people talk yet you feel so disconnected, how is this even possible? People won’t understand. Not wanting to leave these safe 4 walls that you live inside, you don’t want to talk or see anyone, you don’t want anybody to see you in this state so you withdraw to protect them, people will just think I’m being unsociable. Wanting to hurt yourself, just so you can feel something or punish yourself for all the negative thoughts, people will think just think I’m stupid.

All of these things you can’t put a snapchat filter on, you can put on a smile and try to get through the day but inside it feels like your world is falling apart. The fear of judgement from others keeps it hidden, it’s an invisible illness, nobody can see inside your head or the pain behind your eyes. Speaking up, supporting each other, listening, are all things that can be crucial on the road to recovery. Knowing that it really is ok to not be ok, there are going to be some days where you really can’t get out of bed and that’s OK, there will be some days when you don’t want to go out and socialise and that’s OK, there will be some days when you feel you can achieve anything and that’s OK and there will be some days when you have ups and downs, you laugh, cry, smile, get angry, all of this is OK too.

Finding something to give you the headspace can be helpful, whether it’s reading, writing, walking, listening to music, running, swimming, whatever works for you take the time to do something you enjoy every day, it’s not selfish to take time out for you. Asking for help is a sign of strength not weakness, everybody needs a little help sometimes to get where they need to go and sometimes we need a nudge in the right direction to keep moving forward.

It’s not always as simple to just put a filter on and smile when you are struggling with mental health, it’s tough and that’s when you need peoples support and empathy the most not their judgement and criticism. I do understand that not everybody is going to understand, there is a lack of education around mental health, my education on it unfortunately has been the hard way of living with it and that has been hard for people around me as well. I can imagine that watching someone you care about fall so hard can be difficult but just remember it’s not personal and they need all the support you can give to come back fighting.

I hope my honesty and opening up will help at least one person or make someone feel less alone with their battle, remind yourself how far you have come and remember to be gentle with yourself, you are doing the best you can!

I think to some degree everyone can be guilty of thinking about things a little too much, but it can get that little bit more frustrating when it starts to overtake your everyday life.

I tend to get on overthinking mode mainly when I am on my own, when there are no distractions and I am alone with a really busy head, it can be the simplest of decisions that someone else might not even take a second thought to, to the biggest of decisions. Is it because we care too much? Is it because we doubt ourselves? Do we seek over people’s approval? Or is it simply that we don’t think we are capable of making a decision? Depending on what it is, it could be any of those questions, sometimes we overthink things so much that we actually talk ourselves out of doing something that could be really exciting and positive for us which is a real battle.

Thinking is a natural human reaction to help us decide what to do/when/how etc but overthinking is draining mentally and physically, it can keep you up at night, stress you out, affect your appetite and generally just worsen anxiety. Thinking is mainly related to fear and sometimes the

Personally I tend to nowadays stay in my safe little bubble, I almost feel like I have so much more to offer others and there is so much I want to achieve in life but I forever talk myself out of it. A couple of years ago I got a new job and car and that was such a massive step for me but I lost it all so I feel very wary about making such a BIG life decision again and maybe subconsciously it is the fear of something bad happening again or that I had my chance and don’t deserve another one. So it’s that constant overthinking that I allow to interfere with my life and it is a choice, I choose to stay in my comfort zone because I have no fear of danger or getting hurt again, I think I have now realised deep down what’s really keeping me from bursting out my bubble so now it’s your turn.

You have to remember that you are not your thoughts, if you feel that you can’t do something, that’s a thought and not a fact, the only thing holding you back is YOU. I have been told that being more aware of your thoughts and challenging the negative ones can make a huge difference, the more we feed our minds with negativity the more you hold yourself back. Replacing negative thoughts with positive ones can be a good start, once you have become aware of the negative thoughts and realise the power you are giving them it can be pretty life changing. So change ‘you can’t’ to ‘you can’, challenge the negative thoughts, feed your mind with only positive thoughts and burst out of the cosy safe bubble and see what exciting place you end up at!